Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A Clear Brain is a Dangerous Thing

A four-day weekend. Amazing. Actually, it was five days without kids. Thursday was full of planning and working, only in a coffee shop. With no kids. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were productive on a variety of levels. I finally started dealing with issues in my life and rooms in my house that have been often talked about, but rarely dealt with. Steps to change my financial future and employment situation were taken. Big steps. Brain-clearing steps. My office is at a point that I could sit at my desk almost all day Monday and grade until I was almost caught up. Good stuff. Brain-clearing stuff.

So brain-clearing that other issues moved up in line like they had been sitting in the waiting room, listening for their number for years. One of them must have cut in line, because I didn't even know it existed.

It's Saturday night. I'm on a date with a very nice guy. We have a lot to talk about, he has a great smile, and is employed. See? My expectations are not that high. Throw in a love of yard work and we're good to go. The conversation is moving a long nicely and we've moved into the past relationship topic. I'm silent, just listening to him talk. As he describes some of his past long-term relationships, I am suddenly disinterested, distracted and anxious to leave. I chalk it up to being tired from such a productive three days. A nice hug good night and I am off to my bed.

Sometime on Sunday or Monday, while still being hyper-productive in my office, I am struck by a realization. The guy from Saturday has texted me about going out on Wednesday. My anxiety levels skyrockets and I throw my phone on the newly cleared off arm chair. A strange fear creeps from my toes all the way to that dangerously clear space in my brain. Could the disinterest and anxiety have to do with a fear? Perhaps a fear of commitment? The more I thought about it, the more I recognized how my thoughts and comfort level changed with the change in conversation on Saturday. What was going on?

I'm the single girl who wants to be in a relationship. I'm the single girl who wants to find someone to share my life with. I'm the single girl who is terrified of being hurt again. That's what it comes down to. My most significant relationships, or the only guys I have ever called "boyfriend" have all ended up moving on for another girl. Whether it was a new person or left over feelings for an ex, all three have been for another girl. They weren't meant to be, time has taught me that. But it is still not a good feeling. And while those were years ago, many years ago, that  feeling or rejection hasn't been alleviated with time. In this brain of mine, a lasting relationship now seems to equal fear. How long have I had this phobia? Has it played a subconscious role in how I have dealt with other guys that I've dated? Who knew getting your office organized could lead to questions like this? Where is the off-switch?

Last night I dropped a friend off and was telling her all about this. She is getting ready for a very big weekend and I let her know that if she needed anything this week, to give me a call. I specifically mentioned today, Wednesday, the night I'm supposed to go out on date #2 with the guy from Saturday. Wouldn't that be a convenient excuse to get out of a date? My friend needs help, sorry. Crap. Clear brain space can be a dangerous thing.

So now what? How do you deal with this sort of fear? It's not one that you can easily face head-on if you don't happen to be in the right situation. Perhaps I can arrange for another four-day weekend to deal with this and clear some more brain space.

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