Monday, August 2, 2010

Just Call Me Liz Lemon

I have been on enough first dates to last a lifetime. I wish I could say that more of them have worked out for the best and resulted in second, third, even fourth dates, but they haven't. Some of these first dates have just fizzled. Some of these have not moved forward because he wasn't interested. Others have been because of an ever-expanding list of deal-breakers occurring on the first date. Yes, you read correctly, deal-breakers. While I don't have my own book like Liz Lemon, this list is simply in regards to first dates from which I have been asked for a second. All gentlemen in these anecdotes were denied.

So, (drum roll please...) here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the
Top 10 (give or take a few) List of Deal Breakers that Guarantee There Will Not Be a Second Date!

#13: I'm good at everything.
During the conversation, you learn that this guy is either extremely confident or so lacking in self-esteem that he has to build himself up with stories. Often these stories are about a sport or his job. My most recent first date could not stop talking about how good he was at tennis. Oh, and that he just recently started playing. Congratulations on your new-found skill. Now get over yourself.

#12: He doesn't even offer to pay.
This may make me sound like I am walking out of 1954, but I am okay with that. Despite women's lib and all that went out of vogue with it, I still believe in chivalry. I am always willing to pay my share, but there has to at least be the silly, pretend argument over who is going to take care of the check. Really, this has only happened once, but it made an impression!

#11: Mentions our grandchildren
I have been in long term relationships in which we don't even mention our possible, future grandchildren. Letting that one slip over pre-dinner drinks is jumping a gun the bit, don't you think? I sure do.

#10: He can't stop talking about "his music"
I appreciate music. I love listening to music. I have great respect for those who are involved in the process of creating it. However, I also appreciate moderation. Please stop telling me about your amazing song-writing skills and singing voice, and how good you are at playing acoustic guitar. (See #13) This gets especially fun when he starts dropping names of music execs at NBC he is trying to get a demo tape to.

#9: Lives with his grandparents in their attic
Not only does he not look anything like his profile picture (yes, this was an on-line dating experience), but he also lied about his living situation. Talking about working around the house tends to imply that you own your home. 'Fess up, kiddo.

#8: His hands are smaller than mine
I'm sorry, but I like to be the girl (ie. smaller than the guy). Small-hands Greg is a perfect example of this situation. He was a very nice guy I met while at one of my favorite bars in Stamford, Connecticut. Small-hands Greg was funny in that dry, sarcastic way and he made me laugh so I agreed to go out to dinner with him. Dinner started off fine, but then he started talking, and used his hands -- a lot! I couldn't help but notice that his hands were smaller than mine. That was it, date over.

#7: Accepts multiple phone calls during dinner
Now typically this would a giant red flag that he was not interested. Funny thing is, I got a phone call the next day asking when we could go out again. Are you seriously asking me to endure another evening of listening to your phone conversations? I'm good, thanks.

#6: Wears white dress pants to meet for happy hour
First of all, what guy wears white dress pants that aren't linen to an event that is not a wedding or prom? Secondly, not two hours before we were supposed to meet, he texts me asking how dressy is the place we're going. I tell him it is pretty casual. Apparently for him, that meant taking the pants of a white tux and pairing it with a Volcom shirt for drinks at 5:30 PM on a Sunday. Ladies, I don't care how good you think you are at fixing a boy, that is not a fixable problem.

#5: Doesn't walk me to my car
Okay, I know I've mentioned this before. It really bothered me that when, unbeknown to me, we got to his car he asked where I had parked. I say, "Two blocks down there." He says, "Oh, okay. Well, I'm right here." He gives me a hug and gets in his car. Yes, he was denied on the second date request.

#4: One sentence answers
Maybe he was nervous, but so was I and I was forming answers with multiple, complete sentences! This is simply unacceptable and exhausting.

#3: Complained about everything
From traffic to his parking spot. From the lack of ice cubes in his glass to the plethora of Sweet and Low on the table. From the day he had at work to his cat clawing the arm of his couch. Again, exhausting! The nice side of me thought that maybe, just maybe, I should give him a second chance and then I thought for a little bit longer. Nope, not gonna do it.

#2: Doesn't ask any questions
I am seeing a theme with the last few; they are all exhausting experiences while trying to stay positive and interested and charismatic. This date simply spent the entire evening talking about himself, and then making judgments about how he believed I would have dealt with a situation/person/idea. Oh. My. God.

And finally.....

#1: Throws out the ol' "I'm separated, but not divorced yet" line. Awesome. This is promising only on opposite day buddy.

Well, there ya have it! I can only hope that my number of first dates left in this dating universe is slowly dwindling.